Thursday, July 26, 2012

SNARL

I'm multitasking this morning. Trying to cram down breakfast, put on makeup and post my story for Friday Fictioneers at the same time. Then it's off to work. 97 words this go around.


“Nice doggie,” whispered Jolie.

Huddled against the fence she faced a mouthful of Pit Bull teeth. Which would be worse--the whipping she’d get for losing Grandma’s ring or to be eaten alive by a junkyard dog?

A few inches from the behemoth’s haunch, moonlight glinted off the sapphire. With her eyes fixed on his, she slid her hand toward the ring, hoping he wouldn’t notice.

But he snapped to his feet with a roaring bark and lunged.

Her heart thrashed against her ribs.

In one ferocious bite the Copperhead skulking toward her met a grisly fate.

36 comments:

  1. Okay, Rochelle, i'll bite...

    That was a great story. You took it right from faucet to junkyard to vicious dog to hero canine and all it cost was a mean old snake, and a poisonous one to boot. You are a real story teller and have left us all in the dust.

    Now I'm sitting here wondering what to write and looking around for snakes. Thanks a lot.

    Aloha,

    Doug

    ReplyDelete
  2. Another good story. I bet the little girl became fast friends with the 'junkyard dog' after that. And grandma soon forgot about her missing ring when she found her little grand daughter safe, and was ready to feed home made cookies to the 'junkyard dog' for his bravery.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hey! I just forgot to include my link to my story too. I posted it this morning. I had a time though trying to find the new web site for the FF to get my link up on there, but it is now. Here it is for you if you can't get to it there. It was a bit of a by-pass to get there this time around. Here's mine.
    http://jemj47.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. And thank you for making the pit bull not be the bad dog!! Our former foster pits thank you...and congratulate you on where you took the story!

    ReplyDelete
  5. What a wonderful tribute to the dog!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Rocks!
    I love the visuals you put in my head.

    ReplyDelete
  7. A fine and unique take on the prompt, Rochelle. Thanks for coming over. I'm here for others: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/fridayfictioneers-aqua-madness/

    ReplyDelete
  8. good tension, good twist, excellent ( and I love those pitties ) but would never approach one I didn't know.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Given a choice between a snake and a little girl, any self-respecting mutt would go for the snake. Great take!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I see you did it again, my friend, with another surprise ending. You have a good pit bull here. FYI, there are all sorts of dogs in my bldg...the only dogs banned are pit bulls. You know where to find me. lol.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Good doggie! Lots of good suspense-building then a surprise ending that made me jump then laugh.

    Here's mine: http://unexpectedpaths.com/friday-fictioneers/shadows/

    ReplyDelete
  12. Very interesting. I love that you managed to make the Pit Bull a hero. They are wonderful dogs.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hurrah for animal heroes - and not the slithery kind! ;)
    Great story within so few words, well done.

    I didn't get the twist until I read Doug's comment; I didn't know a copperhead was a snake. Please keep them on your side of the Atlantic!

    You've already commented on ours - thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Suspenseful and clever story. I never saw the snake coming. Good thing the dog did. Great work!

    Thanks of visiting mine.

    http://ebooksscifi.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/kingdom-come-by-ilyan-kei-lavanway-for-madison-woods-friday-fictioneers-100-word-flash-fiction/

    ReplyDelete
  15. A lot of story in 100 words.
    I loved he way you led us for fearing for the girl about to be attacked by a ferocious dog to suddenly the dog being the hero. Clever.
    A great read - thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hooray for the Pit Bull! Successful surprise ending--good story.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Whew! You had MY heart thrashing! Nice story and loved the happy twist at the end!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Nice twist at the end. Happy she survived. I liked "Her heart thrashed against her ribs." I haven't run across thrashed used like that before. :) Be careful with punctuation (an em-dash would be more appropriate than a semi-colon after "worse"; commas aren't necessary after "but" or "the").

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Couldn't quite eek out a true em-dash, but did whack the dastardly commas. My editor, of my short story, anthology told me I tend, to overuse,,, them.
      Seriously. Thanks for catching it. It's appreciated.

      Delete
  19. You captured the tension very well. This was a complete short story and that's hard to do with 97 words. I like the image of the girl staring over at the junkyard dog and wondering what to do.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Okay. I didn't see that coming. Beast turned into Prince Charming in a shining armor. Nicely done.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thank goodness he came good at the end... Tense. Loved it..x

    ReplyDelete
  22. good story, and I am always appreciative of the proverbial "snake in the garden" - as opposed to Grandma's "what big mouth" you have when she finds out the ring is gone. Ha.

    ReplyDelete
  23. wonderful story love the element of surprise!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Nice! The danger you expect, the danger you see, the danger you don't see - and a happy ending.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Wow!
    That's a lot of action for 97 words!
    This made a very good read! :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Loved the image of her heart "thrashing" against her ribs, and the turn at the end, making the scary guard dog into an ally (this reminded me a little of the Sandlot, if you know that movie). Nice job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I won't lie to you. Sandlot heavily influenced this story.

      Delete
  27. worry for the girl becomes relief and praise for the dog.
    http://craftytara.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/it-seemed-like-a-good-idea-at-the-time/

    ReplyDelete
  28. I think you captured everyone's hearts with this story. Great tension and release. And after the weekend I had with Lottie (my pit grand-dog who had to be rescued) last weekend, I really appreciated the snake in the end ;)

    ReplyDelete
  29. Reminds me of the movie "The Sandlot". Nice story!

    ReplyDelete
  30. This was wonderful, Rochelle! I love the way you completely turned the story around. One of my favorite philosophies: Don't judge a book by its cover. :)

    --Jan
    http://janmorrill.wordpress.com/2012/07/27/fictioneers-flashfriday-gone-dry/

    ReplyDelete
  31. Wow, my heart was in my mouth and then you shocked me out of my complacency too - brilliantly written and one of the best this week :-)

    ReplyDelete
  32. Ahh...interesting twist. Good dog! Great story! (Did she get the ring?! ;) )

    ~Susan

    ReplyDelete
  33. Hi Rochelle,
    A lot of twists and turns for 97 words. I think I got whiplash. Thanks for reading and commenting on my story.
    Ron

    ReplyDelete
  34. Rochelle,
    I must apologize for taking almost a week to get here. This was a fast-paced, action-packed adventure. I truly enjoyed it. Beautifully complete in only 97 words.

    ReplyDelete