Merciless rain pelted the Conestoga’s canvas roof. Tildy’s stomach swelled and roiled with each pitch and sway.
Three-year-old Jonas whimpered in her arms. Like periwinkle marbles, his eyes rolled in aimless delirium. She almost welcomed his fevered warmth in the penetrating damp.
The wagon lurched and stopped. Smelling of horses, leather and wet denim Noel slipped through the narrow opening. In silence, his vigilant eyes on his son, he nestled under the blanket beside her.
Tildy woke to hushed sunlight. Her baby was gone.
Outside, naked as dawn, Jonas hopped and pointed at the rainbow. “Ma! Pa! Angels came!”
Awwww. :'( so sad. The rainbows as a sign of angels come down? I sniffled on this. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteMy attempt: https://unduecreativity.wordpress.com/2012/05/17/fields-of-wildflowers/
Dear Rochelle,
ReplyDeleteThis was hard to work out and being the first to comment (I think) I don't have the crutch of other's opinions to help me out. When Jonas says the angels have come, was it that they'd come for anyone specific? Or just touched the earth and left their heavenly colored trails as a sign. Did Jonas' fever break? No one died, did they?
A lovely story, full of imagination and pathos. i loved the 'Periwinkle marbles'. Great stuff.
Aloha,
Doug
http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/no-rain-no-rainbows-3/
So hard to make it clear in 100 words or less. No one died. The miracle was that Jonas' fever broke and like any three year old boy (I've had three of my own) he stripped naked and ran through the open field. As for the angels, I believe young children see them when adults can't. The child knew that the angels came and made him well.
DeleteI liked how the eyes were described (especially periwinkle, great word). And the obviously conflicting feeling of enjoying the warmth of a fevered body.
ReplyDeleteVery nice.
Wow – beautifully done. The smell of "horses, leather and wet denim" really puts the reader in the scene. I resisted the allure of cheap beauty, but you circumvented it with the real thing. Mine:http://repuestodelatabla.wordpress.com/
ReplyDeleteHow sweet! For a horrible moment, I thought Jonas had disappeared, stolen.
ReplyDeleteMine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/friday-fictioneers-sinking-low/
That is just lovely - the angels coming and thanks for giving me a lift today :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment on mine and here it is for others to read if they want to: http://womanontheedgeofreality.com/2012/05/18/friday-fictioneers-god-plays-the-tom-toms/
This was a wondrously descriptive story with lots of vivid images. The angels coming for him was a nice touch.
ReplyDeleteMy offering: http://www.jeffreyhollar.com/2012/05/golden-quest.html
Am I so wrong in hoping that he was actually still alive and just telling them excitedly of his fever-induced dream? My fingers are crossed.
ReplyDeletePoignant and sad.
Mine is here: http://mysocalleddutchlife.wordpress.com/2012/05/17/friday-fictioneers/
Again, I reiterate. The angels made Jonas well. No one died in this story. :)
ReplyDeleteThank goodness! It could be read either way, which is definitely not a fault. I'm still relieved though :-)
DeleteOne of those flashes that leaves you with a nice warm feel-good glow. Lovely Rochelle, well done.
ReplyDeleteMine: http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/05/17/pursuit-friday-fictioneers-may-2012/
"Hushed sunlight" and "naked as dawn" are fabulous :)
ReplyDeleteLove that Jonas saw the angels. I hope he never loses that awareness!
Thanks for commenting on ours. For others, we're at:
http://www.lazuli-portals.com/flash-fiction/a-cordello-memory
I do believe in angels. And who can see them better than young children with uncluttered minds and open spirits?
ReplyDeleteVery nice and authentic to the history of making that trip by Conestoga. Great joy in the ending. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteHere's mine: http://unspywriter.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/back-by-popular-demand/
Oh you toyed with my emotions with the baby vanishing but I'll forgive you for giving me a happy ending
ReplyDeleteVery nice. The rainbow as a sign of a miracle. Vivid imagery; well done!
ReplyDeleteHere's my try:
http://smallquietplace.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/a-quiet-place-to-rest/
I honestly thought that her baby had died ("gone") and that he was dancing with the angels. I'm glad that he isn't. Well done and very strong words! http://theforgottenwife.com/2012/05/17/friday-fictioneers-2/
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that your rainbow brought something good! I enjoyed the story and the ending had me thinking it would be bad but then at the very last, it was joyous. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteMine is here: http://erinleary.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/eirinn-go-brach/
You went where I wanted you to go, Erin. Mission accomplished!
DeleteI went from "oh no" to "phew!" and thank goodness rainbow!
ReplyDeletehttp://writersclubkl.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/friday-fictioneers-lightnessvisible/
This may be hard to believe coming from me, but I'm glad no one died. Writing the death of children is always the hardest for me.
ReplyDeleteMy attempt: http://authorbrandonscott.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/facade/
I agree, Brandon. I "killed" children in my novel and it was very hard for me. It needed to happen but I cried as I wrote.
DeleteBeautiful story! I like the 'in the past' timeframe and the use of the rainbow as a sign of recovery. There is a Biblical connection here for me......
ReplyDeleteFor me, too.
DeleteI'm off to Branson and OWL's--I always try to make a weekend of it. Beautiful story--so typical of the hardships of pioneer life. Lovely ending for a sad occasion. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteI have no post this week--just a thank-you for your past visits and comments on my site.
Wow, that was a change of pace! Totally different little homespun yarn - and pretty happy ending. Actually, a surprise ending - as you built up to the expected conclusion of the sick child - the surprise was the happy ending...
ReplyDeleteSo okay, well done, on a difficult prompt.
Yours as ever,
Laura lindaura
I really loved this Laura Ingalls moment. The descriptions were so all encompassing. I think you did an excellent job of expressing the story in 100 words.
ReplyDeleteWakefield
http://www.wakefieldmahon.com/1/post/2012/05/light-supremacy-friday-fictioneers.html
Did the angels come and take the fevered child?
ReplyDeleteHere's mine: http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/flash-fiction-friday-4/
Hi Rochelle: The comments were as enjoyable as your sweet "up-lifting" story..ending in joy with rainbow/angels. Delightful spiritual feeling. I love your descriptions ...especially "periwinkle marbles..." Here's mine:
ReplyDeletewww.triplemoonstar.blogspot.com
I had to read through it a few times to get a few things clear on the ending, etc. too, but read your explanations to other commenters. I was trying to figure out the name 'Noel' and getting it figured out who was who in the family, and wondered if a baby actually died there. But, still good imagery and vivid description. I know sometimes it can be hard to get a powerful story packed in a mere 100 words, but sure is good practice, huh? It is for me anyway, who leans the other way with too much sometimes. lol It has been fun, though and reading good stories and poems from others.
ReplyDeleteThis was a wonderfully descriptive and beautiful little story. What I liked best were the last two lines because I love the innocence of the child. As adults we look at a rainbow and sort of know how it's formed and why we see it, but to to a child, it's angels! Thank you for the smile!
ReplyDeleteNice snapshot of the hardship of traveling across country by wagon. I loved the way you evoked the senses and brought us from anxiety to joy. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteNicely done. You've had lots of great comments. Richly deserved. Very sharp images without getting weighed down in description.
ReplyDelete