Like a pearl brooch pinned to mottled velvet, the moon glistered through a web of tree branches. A desperate voice yelled her name.
“Kanzie.”
With a scream, she woke to every day shadows. After twenty years, she accepted her somehow comfortable blindness…until bedtime.
Always it was the same dream. Then one night she woke up outside. Mississippi air stuck to her skin like a damp cloak. Trees rustled in the hot wind.
Suddenly she could see! Six-years-old again, she remembered. Why did white-robed ghosts put that rope around her gentle Daddy’s neck? His terror-filled eyes drilled her.
“Kanzie, don’t look!”
Dear Rochelle,
ReplyDeleteThis was a very spooky/strange story that took me many places on the journey to its conclusion. Is Kanzie only sympathetically blind now? Very evocative and imaginative. I think 'every day' can be made into the one word that it is and 'glistered' is either a great regional adjective or a typo. i'm thinking the former. Good job overall, R. Thanks for writing it.
Aloha,
Doug
I know you've visited The Last of the First and I thank you for you comments there. This link is to transport some of your readers to the moon.
http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/last-of-the-first/
Yes, Doug, Kanzie's blindness is hysterical. Found glistered in the thesaurus and thought it fit. Thanks for the comments.
ReplyDeleteI've already been to the moon with you this morning. ;)
You did very well in expressing subtle terror! mine can be found at: http://oldentimes.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/its-here-the-weekend-is-nigh-fridayfictioneers-on-buffalo-river/
ReplyDeleteDeeply sad. Mine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/fridayfictioneers-tanoas-baby/
ReplyDeleteWow – chock full of literary excitement, it seems like far more than 100 words. But it isn't – I checked! The opening sentence and the Mississippi air simile are great. It would read better as "everyday" but I like joining words together like some German lingual architect. And the idea of induced blindness in that way is sublime.
ReplyDeleteAn extremely powerful story Rochelle.
ReplyDeleteThat one line, "Why did white-robed ghosts put that rope around her gentle Daddy’s neck?" spoke volumes.
Thanks for a great read.
OKay. This story is totally great in a thousand ways. Interesting, historical and metaphorical.
ReplyDeleteHowever, like everyone here today, I have a question about something. This sentence didn't work for me: "Then one night she woke up outside." I think it would work better as "That night she woke up outside."
That's all, The rest is perfection, absolutely.
yours,
Lindaura
Amazing! You actually feel her terror, the nightmare grip on her. I loved how you described the Mississippi air as a physical thing. It so is! I loved this. My heart actually started pounding as I read. If you would like, I would love feedback on mine as well. http://theforgottenwife.com/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers/
ReplyDeleteVery powerful story. A nice glimpse into a dark stain on our past.
ReplyDeleteMy attempt: http://authorbrandonscott.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/death-cart/
That was powerfully unexpected at the end. Very nicely written. I liked the pearl brooch pinned to mottled velvet.
ReplyDeleteMine's at: http://castelsarrasin.wordpress.com/2012/05/10/you-called-friday-fictioneers-may-2012/
My thoughts exactly.
Deletehttp://mysocalleddutchlife.wordpress.com/2012/05/12/following-footsteps/
Excellent. I really like the flow in your story.
ReplyDeleteA call to arms if ever there was one and you can understand why a six year old would 'obey' her father even after his murder. Nice :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment on mine and for other readers here is my attempt: http://womanontheedgeofreality.com/2012/05/11/friday-fictioneers-painting-creation/
Powerful use of language. I was so into the imagery, I actually gasped aloud when I reached the climax. I think yours is my favorite, so far. So many links, so little time. Here's mine: http://melodypearson.com/flash-fiction/friday-fictioneers-photo-prompt/
ReplyDeleteoh my, really drew me in. thanks for sharing
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteforgot my link :)
ReplyDeletehttp://craftytara.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/thank-goodness-for-moonlight/
Hi Rochelle: Enjoyed this. I also gasped reading the surprise, twist ending. You said so much, in so few words. I have heard of people going blind after traumatic experiences. The moon "glistered" ... poetic. Never saw the word before...looked it up. Nice. Thanks for visiting and commenting on my "blind" story as well.
ReplyDeleteHi Rochelle: My first comment didn't publish. Nice work. The surprise, twist ending made me gasp as well. I've heard of people going blind after traumatic experiences. Never saw the word "glistered" before. Looked it up. Nice. Love learning new words. Thanks for visiting and commenting on my "blind" story.
ReplyDeleteWow, this is such a great story. So much development in so few words. Loved the opening simile.
ReplyDeleteMy story is here: http://bridgesareforburning.wordpress.com/
Chilling. A lynching? Something so scary to see it. Great story.
ReplyDeleteSo much horror packed into that last paragraph! Impressive.
ReplyDeleteOH, oh my. The beautiful opening lulled and then the true horror just slams in. That last line is breathtaking.
ReplyDeleteKathy
http://notforallmarkets.wordpress.com/2012/05/11/stay/
I thought I commented your story, but I don't see it so I'm not sure... I dig your first paragraph a lot. Just an intense story. Nice job. :)
ReplyDeleteThat's strange, CC. I got both of your comments by email. And thank you.
DeleteVery powerful story, Rochelle. I got chills.
ReplyDeleteI'm running late with the last handful of stories. Following behind so many good comments leaves me little to add. Well done and "ditto" to all the above remarks.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting and commenting on my site.
I thought this was a powerful story and an excellent example of what a 100-word shortie should, and can, be. Great work, Rochelle! Her gentle daddy with his terror filled eyes... :(
ReplyDelete